I'll Leave Me Heart Wide Open
by IBleedForA7X
Summary: He knows she's in pain. He only wants to make it go away.John CenaUnnamed OFC


Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own.  
Unfortunately.

Title and lyrics courtesy of Brad Paisley, featuring Dolly Parton.  
**When I Get Where I'm Goin'** from the album  
**Time Well Wasted**.  
Don't own that, either.

Author's Note: Idea inspired by actual events.  
This fic is a few days late for marking the actual occasion, but i's okay.  
It's a way for me to gather my thoughts about the one year anniversary of my friend's death.

This was one way, but then I had a total change of fic, and now it's something completely different.

By the way.  
It's **totally** AU.  
Just a heads up.

Summary: He knows she's in pain. He only wants to make it go away.

**When I get where I'm going  
On the Far Side of the Sky.  
I might find out what it's like  
To Spread my wings and Fly.**

John leaned against the door frame, watching as the tears dripped down his fiance's cheeks. She had ended her conversation with someone who was supposed to be her best friend some time ago, but instead of keeping her mind off of it, she just remained in her seat on their bed, her gaze fixed on the wall ahead of her.  
"A year. It's been one year tomorrow since I lost him. Since he died. And all she can say is 'I know'."

**I'm gonna land beside a Lion  
And run my fingers through his mane.  
Or I might find out what it's like  
To ride a drop of Rain.**

He sighed. She was normally so strong.  
Even when she woke up that morning, she hadn't awoken crying, but laughing.  
Whoever it was she was mourning, it was apparent that you could only enjoy the memories.  
He had never met the man she was grieving over.  
At least, not to his knowledge.  
He was certain that he, whoever he was, had taken her heart with him.  
She hadn't been quite the way she had been when he fell in love with her.  
Whoever the man was, it killed her that he was gone.  
All he wanted was to help.  
Seeing her cry broke his heart, shattering it in to millions of tiny, insignificant pieces.  
"She knew what he meant to me. She was there with me when I found out. She knew he was my _world_. And the **only** fucking thing she can say is 'I know'. She's so unfeeling."  
She took a deep, steadying breath, blinking away her tears as much as possible.  
"How could she?"

**When I get where I'm goin'  
There'll be only happy tears.  
I will shed the sins and struggles  
I have carried all these years.  
And I'll leave my Heart wide open.  
I will Love and have no Fear.  
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'  
Don't cry for me down here.**

John padded barefoot to his fiance, wordlessly.  
He wasn't sure if anything he had to say would make any difference in her mood.  
Nothing he ever had to say anymore seemed to have an effect.  
But he'd be damned if he didn't try.  
He knelt before her, placing himself between her knees, taking his hands in hers.  
Or.  
Trying, at the least.  
She didn't respond to his touch, which somehow hurt more now than it had in the past.  
"It doesn't help that we just rehashed the entire reason we don't talk anymore. The last thing I needed, today of **all** days, was for her to stir everything up again."  
She sucked in her lips a little, chewing on the inside of them.  
"I understand why she's pissed at me, I get that."  
She shook her head, her eyes still staring ahead, not meeting his.  
"But she'll let anger overcome natural human compassion."  
He remained quiet.  
There was no answer for her that he could find within himself.  
"She says she wants an apology. How was I supposed to know if she doesn't talk to me? She says she fucking understands my pain. Understands how I feel."  
Her hands balled in to fists; the only thing she could do to stop from putting one through a wall.  
"She doesn't understand. She _couldn't_. She doesn't know what it's like to be in my position."  
Her head dropped, and she cried a little more.  
Not for grief.  
But for the unfeeling of the woman in question.  
His heartstrings twanged as the tears glimmered where they fell on her skin.

**I'm gonna walk with my gran'daddy  
And he'll match me step for step.  
And I'll tell him how I've missed him  
Every minute since he left.  
And then I'll hug his neck.**

He reached up, cupping her cheek with his hand, running his thumb gently over the pale skin. He leaned forward, brushing away the tears softly with his lips.  
He wasn't expecting a reaction, but he hoped.  
"Was I wrong?"  
He was on thin ice, this he knew.  
He was biased; on his lover's side.  
He swept away the hair clinging to her face from the tears before speaking quietly.  
"You did what you thought was right. You can't do any more than that."  
Again, she didn't answer.  
She didn't even look at him, and he sighed heavily.

"One day," he thought, "I'll break through to her. She'll love me the way she used to.  
I know it!"

She stood suddenly, moving quickly to the bathroom.  
"I don't need her. I don't need anyone. And no one needs me, that's obvious. The only person I needed is gone, and now, I'm alone. She doesn't understand. I don't need her to. I don't even want her to."  
John followed her, a look of confusion etched on his face.  
"Babygirl, I need you."  
She was rummaging through their drawers, now, throwing articles of clothing over her shoulder as she went, until she found whatever it was she had been looking for.  
"Babygirl...Aren't you listening? I need you. Johnny needs you!"  
She continued dressing quickly, lost in her thoughts.  
"Why don't you listen to me anymore," he all but yelled in her face, blocking her exit from the room.  
She ignored him, storming passed him.  
He wouldn't give up, though, and followed closely behind.  
"Where are you going? Answer me!"

He was beginning to think this was beyond ridiculous.

He climbed in to the passenger seat of her car, buckling the belt.  
"Baby, why won't you let me in. I'm here for you!"  
She simply cranked up the system, blaring the loudest Rock she could.  
Her usual defense against her problems in life.  
"Fine. We'll do this in silence, that's fine," he grumbled, crossing his large arms over his broad chest.

**When I get where I'm goin'  
There'll be only happy tears.  
I will shed the sins and struggles  
I have carried all these years.  
And I'll leave my Heart wide open.  
I will Love and have no Fear.  
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'  
Don't cry for me down here.**

He was going through the last year in his head.  
After the man died, she was a train wreck.  
She cried all the time.  
One moment, she would be fine.  
The next, she was a mess of tears and sighs.  
It took her some time to get over it; a longer grief period than he expected.  
But one day, she started laughing, for no reason.  
When he asked what had been so funny, she didn't answer.  
Just kept laughing and smiling.  
He supposed it was better than breaking down, so he took what he could get.

He thought she had returned to normalcy, but any advances he made.  
Any kiss, hug, caress.  
They went unnoticed.  
They hadn't so much as kissed in a year.  
Don't even get him started on their sex life.  
But, he could deal.  
He loved her, and would help her get through anything she needed to get through.  
He hadn't expected it to take such a toll on them.

He was moments away from questioning her on it, when she pulled in to a parking lot.  
There were no other vehicles present.  
She killed the engine, wiping her tears once more, before reaching to the backseat, her fingers curling around the stem of a red rose.  
He couldn't help but remain silent once more as he followed her up the hill toward the cemetery that was spread before them.

It was a long trek, but he didn't mind.  
He'd finally come face to face, so to speak, with the man responsible for his love's change.  
And he was afraid to see the name engraved on the granite.

**So much pain and so much darkness  
In this World we Stumble through.  
All these questions I can't answer.  
And so much work to do.**

She knelt in front of it, running her fingers carefully over the letters in the stone.  
"God, I miss you so much. I love you so much."  
John's heart tugged.  
She hadn't spoken to him in such loving tones sine the man died.  
He felt a jealous rage coursing through him, which he held back with every part of him.  
"Sometimes. I still wake up, feeling you beside me. But it's only a memory."  
Her eyes fell to the lush grass, and she sniffed lightly.  
"Sometimes I wish I could move on. Find someone else. But I'm tied to you."  
She still wore the engagement ring he had given her.  
That was a physical representation of the Love they shared.  
Wasn't it?  
Then how could she speak to someone else that way?  
She couldn't have forgotten he was there.  
"I wish I could wake up next to you. Hold you. Kiss you. Touch you. I miss your strong arms around my waist. I miss the soft kisses you'd surprise me with. Just staring into your beautiful blue eyes. But I suppose that's all gone now. Isn't it?"  
Her voice wavered as she spoke, and she ran her fingers roughly through her hair.

John couldn't take it anymore.  
He had to be a man.  
Come face to name with the source of his girl's grief.

What his eyes found, his brain didn't want to process.  
It couldn't be.

**But when I get where I'm going,  
And I see my Maker's face,  
I'll stand Forever in the Light  
Of His Amazing Grace.**

He felt nauseous as his eyes skimmed the lettering before him.

_John Felix Anthony Cena  
April 23, 1977 to January 26, 2007  
Fear Nothing, Regret Less  
Live Each Day Like It's Your Last_

It couldn't be.  
He lived every day of the last year with his fiancÃ©.  
He'd woken up beside her.  
He'd kissed her.  
Touched her.  
Laughed with her.  
Comforted her.

Sure, she never responded, but...

Suddenly, in a flash of light, it all hit him as once.  
_The yelling.  
The pleading.  
The gunshot.  
The searing pain.  
His fiance draped over him, tears streaming from her eyes, begging him to stay awake.  
"Please, don't leave me. I need you."  
He ran his hand down her cheek, a small smile playing on his lips.  
"Don't cry."  
"I can't help it, I'm scared."  
"Don't be."  
"Johnny, please don't leave me all alone. I love you too much for that."  
"You won't be. I'll be with you, Babygirl."  
"No, please."  
He pressed his finger gently to her lips.  
"Shhh. Just breathe. I want one thing from you."  
"Anything."  
"Smile for me."  
She sniffed heavily, wondering if he had lost all lucidity with blood loss.  
"I want my last moments in life seeing you happy, seeing that beautiful smile I fell in love with the first moment I saw you. I want you as I love you."  
It nearly killed her, but she did as she was asked, and forced the tears to stem long enough to produce a smile, just for her lover.  
A smile he returned.  
"That's much better. Kiss me. One last time."  
Their lips met gently, lovingly.  
It lasted a Lifetime.  
"I love you, Babygirl. Don't ever forget that."_

He cast a sad eye on his fiance.  
He had been the one to cause her destruction.  
And he hadn't even known it.  
Even in Death, he couldn't let her go.

"They found him. The boy who killed you. His name was Scott Avenseph. He was seventeen. He was homeless. Hungry. And scared. And yesterday, he became just another number, another body in the ground."  
She shook her head again, trying to collect her thoughts.  
"All he wanted was money to get himself a hot meal during that cold Winter. A small price to pay for the bullet that ripped through you. And apparently, one even smaller for the needle that injected a drug cocktail in to his system. I guess that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore."

He wanted nothing more than to help ease her pain away.  
But it was apparent to him now the reason she never responded to his presence anymore.  
He no longer existed.  
That bullet tearing through his flesh a second time couldn't hurt worse than realization that he couldn't help the woman he loved.  
She cried some more, wallowing in her sorrow, before her gaze shot up, and she turned at the sound of footsteps.  
John turned as well.  
He may not have been able to comfort her.  
But her friend.  
The same one who she had spoken to that morning.  
Perhaps **she** could.

"You've done this on your own for a year. An entire fucking year. Don't push me away. I know we were both wrong. Now let's make it right."

She sat beside his fiance, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders.  
"Do you remember that time, when he..."

John smiled to himself.  
She wasn't alone, anymore.

He took one last, longing look at the woman of his dreams.  
Perhaps, this final time, she might hear him.

"I love you."

He sighed as she wiped her tears again.  
When, suddenly, no matter how softly, he heard it.

"I love you, too."

A smile broke over his face.  
He could finally move on to the Other Side.  
He didn't mind waiting for her.  
Now that she wasn't alone, he didn't mind knowing it might be ages until they were together again.  
He knew they would be, eventually.  
He'd leave his Heart open.  
Just for her.

**When I get where I'm goin'  
There'll be only happy tears.  
I will shed the sins and struggles  
I have carried all these years.  
And I'll leave my Heart wide open.  
I will Love and have no Fear.  
Yeah, when I get where I'm goin'  
Don't cry for me down here.**


End file.
